guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
