just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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