a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you will always have a special place in my vag
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
