Define "chronic" masturbator.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
