i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
