Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
