they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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