My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
