i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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