I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
