Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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