i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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