First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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