the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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