is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
