I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My dick has a subreddit
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
