Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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