college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
