ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
