There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
