I wish my penis had an off switch
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
