I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
