Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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