umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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