This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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