Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
