took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
