Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
