Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
