So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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