I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
