i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
