I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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