just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
