Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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