I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
