I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
