if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
