you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
