They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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