whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
