also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
