tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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