i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Do vagina's smell?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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