he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
