just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
