Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
