John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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