I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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