She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
