I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
