your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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